Musings, Thoughts

I can’t help what I feel

by stickysituation

Sadly, on more than one occasion, people have given me the impression that my feelings are inferior to theirs. This rant is for all of those people.

I was at a small get-together recently and I was talking to a friend of mine after not seeing each other for a really long time. I was telling her about the guy I was seeing and how he had made a remark that really upset me (he basically called me a slut, just with nicer words). I was contemplating on what to do, whether to confront him or to end things… you get the idea. Back when we were still close she was always the person I went to when something like this was bothering me and she has always given me honest advice. So when I asked her for her opinion I was a little taken aback by her blunt answer: “You know, other people have real problems and you’re just whining on about this guy who isn’t even officially your boyfriend. I’m failing a class, just had a huge fight with my boyfriend and got dumped by him. Honestly, you have it really good, so stop complaining.”

All of a sudden I felt stupid for feeling the way I felt. To be honest I just felt like one big joke – clearly her problems were bigger than mine, it was wrong of me to be hurt by one tiny little comment. I went home feeling like an oversensitive bitch. It was not until last night when I actually replayed the event in my head that I realised how wrong it was of a) her and most importantly b) me:

a) Making me feel like crap for getting hurt is not how friends should treat each other. Yes, I understand, you’re having a hard time too, but just because you think your problems are more relevant than mine, doesn’t mean that you get to treat me like the chewing gum on the sole of your shoe. Maybe you think it’s stupid that I am affected by something so small but don’t make me feel worse than I already do. Don’t give me the impression that I am a moron for actually having enough self-respect to not blindly accept every shitty thing thrown at me and for actually giving a damn about myself. If something doesn’t sit right with me then how come you get to tell me what I should and shouldn’t feel in certain situations? Just because you would react differently, it doesn’t mean that there is a right way to feel.

b) She was my friend and I genuinely really wanted a second opinion on the matter but how did I end up feeling bad when she was the one that acted inappropriately? Instead of being offended I actually apologised. I told her that I was sorry for overreacting and that I was stupid to make such a big deal out of it. I am still so mad at myself for that because it gives people like her the impression that it is okay to degrade the feelings of others. I should never have to apologise for the way I feel, especially when it comes to friends. I can’t believe that her opinion mattered so much to me that I got blindsided by it and didn’t stop to think about myself.

I have come to realise that friends (the really good kind) are very hard to come by. If this has taught me anything, it is that I should hold on to the people in my life that stand with me and support me, no matter how ridiculous my problems may be. Nobody has the right to tell me that I am dumb for reacting the way I do, for being upset in certain situations or for caring about things. If someone tells me that it’s wrong then they are basically insulting me, my personality and the way my mind works. I can’t suddenly decide that I won’t get upset if a guy I am seeing slut-shames me. Nobody can tell me that my feelings are invalid. It’s like making fun of a guy because he has a high-pitched voice – he was born with it, it is part of him. Don’t make him feel insecure about something he can’t change.

So really, this rant is a thank you to all of the people who have made me feel stupid for being myself. Thank you for showing me the opposite of good friends, thank you for making me realise that you are self-involved and really just don’t give a shit about me. Because without of this epiphany of mine who knows how long it would have taken for me to notice that I need to cut people like you out of my life. For if you don’t accept me, then I certainly won’t accept you as a friend. I won’t stand for being treated like that any longer. And you, dear reader, shouldn’t either. 

23 thoughts on “I can’t help what I feel”

  1. “Nobody can tell me that my feelings are invalid.” Brilliantly expressed! We are all individuals, and nobody’s feelings are more or less valid than someone else’s. Excellent post.

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  3. It’s a good thing that you cut her off because like you said friends should be supportive of you and not shame you for feeling such things. Tbh I would of slap the bitch there and then because what she said was really selfish and upsetting (also sorry if I offended you by calling her a bitch!)

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    1. No offence taken! Your comment was very reassuring for me. Now in hindsight, I would have probably been raging with anger. I guess it’s harder than I thought to stop comparing your feelings/problems to others. Honestly, I’m just glad that I at least got to learn something from this otherwise shitty experience.

      Thanks for your moral support, Lorelie!

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      1. Well learning always leads to growth so yes it’s a good thing that you got a positive thing out of something negative. You’re v welcome girly

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  4. Even in adulthood there will always be someone making you feel a bit stupid or inadequate but you know what ?you are not
    And you are the only one with the power to not let people doing that to you.and if it happens you will learn to laugh about….the best defense weapon.never take yourself too seriously.Unfortunately yes there is always that one whose problem are bigger then yours and if you complaint about headache they have at least a brain tumor !Let them go,no comfort from them.focus on the one who can listen.of course there will always be someone with a bigger and serious problem,for real this time,but we have to look in prospective.I see it with my daughters and because I had a mother who constantly minimize my issues as ,”what problem can a kid have?”i well careful not to do it with them.an insignificant matter to me at my age,might be the world s biggest drama for them ,and it must be treated as such.
    The importance of the problem is in the one who feel it ,so don’t let people low you down my dear.you worth it and your problem are as important as anyone s else.
    Ranting is good sometimes 😉❤️

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    1. Thank you for bringing in this fresh perspective from a parent’s point of view. It’s always nice to see parents respecting their children’s problems and needs.
      “The importance of the problem is in the one who feels it” – I couldn’t have said it better myself. Your daughters are lucky to have a mother like you. And yes, ranting is good for the soul! Sometimes you just have to let it all out 😄

      Thanks for dropping by!

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  5. People like this will always be present in your life. I try really hard to cut them out though if the behaviour continues. Maybe she was having a bad day and lashed out. But maybe that’s just her way of dealing with things – if so, I just say adios to them. The friends I keep understand that even though they may be dealing with more things, or fewer things, or bigger or smaller, whatever – stresses in life are each our own and our friends are there to help us through them. Support and love come in all different forms and friends should be there for you.

    On the subject of the guy – if he’s slut-shaming you, in ANY way, drop him. Kick him to the curb.

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    1. I actually confronted her about this issue yesterday and made it very clear that I had no intention of remaining friends if this was they way she was going to treat me. We had a long talk about it and in the end, she just didn’t really get nor seem to care where I was coming from. So, as sad as it may be, I think it’s best we part ways.

      And ah yes, the slut-shaming; he is officially out of my life. I’m in this weird stage of grieving over the relationship that could have been while at the same time feeling like an empowered boss lady. Just like you said, slut-shaming is a no-go, no matter what. I still feel a little sad though, as I was beginning to really like him.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts and support on this matter!

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      1. Im kind of in the same place. Sad something that could have been is very over in my mind but also kind of glad I’m sticking up for what I want/need in my relationships.

        I’m sorry your friendship is over, which will suck right now but it will be totally worth it after the grieving is done 🙂

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        1. I’m glad you are strong enough to recognise and act on your wants/needs. Doing what’s best for one’s self can be way more challenging than I initially thought. But alas, it has to be done. Ah, if it all could just be simple for once! Gotta love the things life throws at you..

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