*Image credit goes to thi.de on Instagram, who kindly lets me use his illustrations for this blog.
Now typically I refrain from sharing too much information about my private life on here, just because I’d like to maintain some privacy. But now as I am sitting here on my too small (but surprisingly comfortable) bed I have decided to give this whole thing a shot. After all, it is just like writing down my thoughts to any old topic, so why am I so hung up on discussing love?
Now, I am not sure hooking up classifies as love specifically – I like to think of it as its own category. But it sure is one I can talk about for days. My generation typically has a strong peak in the category of casual relationships / sex. We, with our live in the moment mentality, reminding ourselves constantly that this is the time to say yes to everything – that this is the time to be alive. So what’s the intrigue when it comes to one night stands or friends with benefits?
For the majority of men, this should be an easy one to answer. A relationship purely based on the physical, no responsibilities, no commitment, having the same freedoms you did when you were single (which you technically still are) can definitely be alluring and doesn’t hold the title every man’s dream without reason. Skip dinner and straight to dessert; at least that is what it seems like these days. A vast amount of guys I meet are looking for exactly that and honestly, I can’t blame them (as much as I hate it at times). In comparison to the giant jigsaw puzzle called relationships, a night (or a few) without complications doesn’t really sound that bad, does it?
But why do women commit to these non-commitment relationships all the time? Some just “fall” into them while others choose them consciously and then of course there is the horrible (but common) reason of just doing it for the sake of it – a been there, done that – type of situation. And I think that although it might not seem like it, this last reason is the most wide-spread. I am guilty of doing it along with many other questionable things purely for the chance to say that I had experienced it and while some instances pushed me out of my comfort zone for the better, others are choices I live to regret.
Let’s circle back to the saying yes to everything – mentality. It really only is a fancy expression for putting pressure on others and yourself. I am all for trying out something fresh but you can take that whole charade too far. Doing things simply because if not now then when? is typically the wrong way to go. We are all blinded by our fear of missing out but doing things because “if you don’t you might regret it later” almost always lead to irrational (and pretty stupid) choices. There is no hurry to experience a bundle of things before a certain age! WE and only we place that time limit on ourselves and why? It results in a competition that you can never win because there will always be someone who has done something even more outrageous than you.
Trying to live up to these societal standards and deadlines is pointless. I have known a lot of people who simply went out and lost their virginity to get it over with. That is such a sad reason. The pressure is everywhere; If you’ve had sex then you’re a slut and if you haven’t then you’re a prude. When will we stop to realise that this pressure we generate ourselves is pushing us and others to make decisions they may not be ready to make?
I have come to the conclusion that relationships where the lines are blurry are kind of the norm in my age group. Being in a relationship without a label is the most confusing experience ever. It would be a lot easier on both parties to just be straight forward about what exactly they are getting themselves into and where they envision it going. If they are up front from the get-go I often find myself playing along even though I know in the back of my mind that it will never amount to anything more than simply hooking up. While I am fine with that most of the time, there have been those instances where I still found myself hoping (and being disappointed in the end).
The thing about hook-ups is that for me, they sometimes are a way of proving to myself that I am this strong person who doesn’t need a boyfriend to be happy. But let’s be honest here – it is okay to crave a relationship sometimes, I mean, who doesn’t?
✎ What do you think about these kinds of relationships? ✎
If you would like to read more on this topic, check out my recent article, Falling For Fuckboys!
Sticky Situation 
In italy we say better alone then in bad company.always remember that.wnating a relationship is normal,just dont settle for the sake of settling.
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That’s sound advice Ortensia! I completely agree with you. I think people just sometimes get caught up in the pressure of finding someone, especially the older they get. “Societal deadlines” as I like to call them are just pointless yet I also sometimes find myself striving to achieve them. Thanks for stopping by!
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Societal deadlines,I like it but stay as much away as you can😉😀
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I agree it would be a lot easier if people were more upfront with what they wanted out of another person. I find it too easy to get attached to people so I’m pretty glad I’m currently with someone who also has that mentality, as it seems quite rare these days (although he didn’t have that mentality at the start, so I guess there’s also an element of people can change!)
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I am so happy that you found someone who treats you right and is on the same page! I wholeheartedly agree that it (a genuine, loving relationship) does seem like a rare concept these days. I think especially at our age it can be challenging when you’re in the midst of figuring your life out. And yes of course people can change, it’s not like you need to pick one preferred type of relationship and stick with it – but I do think that it takes a lot for a person to actually commit to that change. For some being single or ONLY in casual relationships is something like a lifestyle. And lifestyle changes are definitely tough. Okay wow this is starting to sound really pessimistic, so I’ll stop this here. Wishing you and your boyfriend the best of luck (not that you need it). Thank you so much for swinging by and sharing your opinion on this, Alys!
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Aw thank you so much, that’s kind of you ❤ Yes I totally agree, it can be hard trying to figure other people out when they haven't figured themselves out yet. Oh yeah, for sure. The most infuriating thing is people who act like they're changing but they're actually still the same. I hope you find what you're looking for, and that you can be happy in yourself either way!
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You’re welcome lovely. Ugh YES, people like that are the worst. I have fallen for that too many times to even count. Not just with relationships but also in friendships. I hope so too, that’s so sweet of you. Cheers! xx
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Omg yes friendships, don’t even get me started! xx
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I loved this! And, I’ve been where you are. I think I even have a post that addresses this topic of some sorts. I had previously told myself that I didn’t mind the no strings attached experience because I was a strong independent woman, but that wasn’t the reality. I didn’t know it, but I craved love, and instead I got trampled on by nasty men. I definitely think women can have these relationships successfully, but I wasn’t one of those women. I’m still not that woman. I think sometimes we are unsure what it is that we want and sadly, we may make decisions that we regret. Thank you for this post! Really hope that other young women will take this into consideration and make them rethink and find out what it is that they really want.
xx Natalie
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Everything you wrote here is painfully relatable to me. I’m genuinely sorry for the way you have been treated in the past by those “nasty men” as you describe them. I’m still not sure if I’m one of “those women” – on the one hand I enjoy having the freedoms and options I currently have but that doesn’t mean that I sometimes don’t long for a meaningful encounter/relationship. I definitely agree with you on that being unsure of what we want can lead to decisions we end up regretting. I think regret is probably one of the worst emotions to go through because you’re stuck in the past – the only way forward is acceptance of your mistakes. Thank you for sharing your perspective on this matter, Natalie! xx
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Thank you dear. Although I mentioned regrets. I’m thankful to say that I don’t regret my decisions – they made me who I am today. And, I don’t think I would’ve learned any other way than the path I had to take. I hope though the best in your journey of relationships! And, I love what you said about accepting our mistakes. I definitely agree.
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You have so many excellent points. I have had a number of guys interested in me but they only ever want to hook up. (Hook up as in making out not sex because im fifteen) But still. And tbh I’m okay with having my first kiss with an almost stranger because in a way I find that kind of thrilling. BUT if it were more I’d rather a relationship not because I want to know he loves me or anything but just because I want to feel safe and comfortable. And I want to remember it as something that was more than a hook up, even though I know you most likely dont end up with your first love.
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You see, that’s what I find so confusing about the term “hooking up” – everyone I meet seems to have a different definition.
Ah, the anticipated first kiss! I remember mine like it was yesterday (gosh that makes me sound old). First kisses are sloppy and imperfect but that’s the beauty of them. There’s this kind of raw intimacy you never really experience like that again when kissing (at least I find that to be the case).
And you do you! I admire that you know what you want – I certainly didn’t at 15/16 which led to some pretty stupid decisions on my part (but for the most part, I don’t regret any of them). Thank you for sharing your perspective, Indy! x
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I love this so much! Personally, I don’t partake in hooking up (although – honestly I’m a pretty “all or nothing” kind of person; if I did hook up with someone, it would proba
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I don’t know if my last comment sent which is super annoying! I hope not lol it totally wasn’t finished. Personally for me I don’t do hook ups. I would if I met someone and was like swept off my feet and having the night of my life – I have nothing against them, it’s just all the situations I’ve been in hooking up wouldn’t have been some fun experience, it just would’ve been the guy getting “dessert” as you put it without having the meal first, which I’m not here for. On one hand I love hookup culture in the sense that women are allowed to be more sexually free and not judged for it and I’m all here for having fun and awesome experiences, but on the other I think it does make it slightly harder to build genuine connections with people because there’s no pressure to build a relationship; you can get the sex WITHOUT the intimate relationship xxx
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Lol yes the comment got through😂 No worries. I agree! Like anything, hookup culture has its pros and cons. As you stated, women are allowed to be more sexually free and it is now accepted that women can be “sexual” too. But I do think that despite the progress, it is still frowned upon to a certain extent. Women are still being slut shamed for having sex. And the thing about getting the physical without the emotional – YES! But then again, hasn’t it always been like that? Sex is a natural “urge” to most people. I am in a firm believer in everyone doing what they want when it comes to this whole topic. So you do you! Thanks for reading Mia xxx
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Well after all this generation isn’t as conservative as the last ones, and there has infact been a promotion of sex from the last generation.
Coupling that with raging hormones, erratic decisions and incapable people we get what everything is now.
But yes pressure from other people ruins the whole experience.
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Do you think it’s a good thing? That we aren’t as conservative anymore I mean.
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In certain spheres it’s a good thing. Since we aren’t conservative women starting to get their rights and so are gays, queers and lesbians, who were though of as outcasts before. Overall it seems all types of people are being accommodated in our society.
But since we aren’t conservative we have things like unplanned child births, a Sex-based society where everyone’s judged if they are a virgin and ofcourse the whole hooking up culture.
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That’s true. Especially our generation has proven to be more sex-positive than the others. I think that’s something we can be proud of.
Unplaned childbirths probably happened way more back when birthcontrol was hard to come by though. Now that there is a lot more awareness there is also easy access to it in many countries. I actually read an article a while ago claiming that kids these days are having LESS sex than ever. They of course attributed it to the Internet and the way we lose our social skills through it. However, I’m not sure I believe social media is the only culprit to blame, as sex has become something highly accessible to anyone (via various dating apps, social media etc.). It’s just that the whole relationship around sex has changed, I think, à la hookup culture and everything.
Anyway, thanks for elaborating further on this!
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Firstly, you are an INCREDIBLE writer! I love your style and I literally hang on to every line. Secondly, you have mentioned exactly what I feel. I dated an older guy that played these games and I found myself in such a bad case of what are we? Like a Mr.Big character who came across all charming and then vanished.
There is so much pressure to do things because we’re young or the opportunity is there. I did wait to lose my virginity and I’m glad I did because I don’t have regret, but I remember so many people just couldn’t understand it.
It’s hard opening yourself up on a blog – especially about love but I hope you continue. One of my favourite bloggers now. And I’ve realised I’m not following you so I’m now following you, I’ve been on my reader just assuming that I miss your posts. xxx
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First of all, thank you so much for your kind words. Opening up on this blog has been a process for me, it takes time (and the patience of my readers) – kind of like in real life. So thanks for your encouragement! It means a lot.
And about your own experiences in this topic – the dreaded “what are we?” question – I never understood why it’s such a big deal to some guys when you ask it. All you want is some transparency, is that so much to ask for? And I think that everyone just has to realise that people work differently. There isn’t a “normal” time to do anything so why are we judging people based on a scale that simply can’t be forced onto every single person?
And no worries haha xxx
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Guys get such a pass in society where they are allowed to be scared of commitment. But ‘what are we’ is hardly commitment. It’s not like a proposal!
I absolutely agree, the idea of everything doing everything at the same time is so boring and typical. xxx
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If its okay with anyone then fine. Just do whatever needs to be done judging properly.
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I agree 100%!
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Yupp😉
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You have portrayed a sensitive topic with utmost perfection.. I truly loved it and being myself a 15/16 year old girl..I believe relationship should be a strong and bold one.. Never settle than what you deserve..one just can’t be a tom,dick or Harry’s dessert to be enjoyed. They need purity and sincerity. I respect everyone’s choices..but I guess its better to be a Singleton❤til one doesn’t meet the mate of one’s..life wouldn’t be ruined at least…
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I wholeheartedly agree but the problem is we live in a world someone else imagined
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Well put!
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