somewhere else (26.12.2018)

Today I feel unlike myself.

This used to occur more often in the past which is why I feel rattled as I wake up only to find myself trapped in a bodyless sensation. I roll out of bed, slide into my pink fluffy slippers cuddle up in my cozy dressing gown and head to the living room where I turn up the heating in the hopes of the warmth bringing back shreds of my usual self. Yet alas: even with my toes now perfectly toasty, my whole body enclosed by a climate so snug, I have trouble knowing what to do with myself. I feel….displaced. Like I lost something. Like I lost the core of my very being.

I try to go about my day as usual; washing the dishes, studying briefly, distracting myself with a book, a movie… nothing helps. I feel trapped. But how can I when I feel so clearly lost? Do I feel captured in not knowing who I am anymore?

“Leave philosophy to Aristotle” is what my grandfather once said to me. He is a sharp man as they say, a man who chooses to observe the world through a black and white lense. Sometimes I ask myself if it was indeed his own doing; looking at the world as a sharp contrast, nothing more, nothing less. Our upbringing surely defines the way we perceive our surroundings as well. Yet I’ve always thought it a rather idiotic thing, to not look beyond what we are told.

I was one of those children which held an internes curiosity for everything. The enigma that fascinated me the most: humanity. Countless of my childhood memories are impressions left by strangers. I remember once standing in a full elevator, holding the hands of my parents, when a woman walked in and placed herself in one of the front corners. We were in a shop which housed departments on numerous floors.

As we were moving upwards, the woman started to suddenly furiously scratch the back of her upper arm. She did this for the rest of the ride until we arrived at her floor. Only once chattering people started pouring out of the elevator did I notice she was bleeding on the very same arm she so viciously attacked. Elevator doors closing once more, I glimpsed the woman now noticing the blood trickling down her arm and onto the carpet. She didn’t even look surprised. The doors shut and we continued up, though my thoughts stayed down there, on that very floor, for the rest of the shopping trip.

Sometimes I still wonder about it today. Yet it took until today for me to fully understand the woman, for she had felt what I am experiencing at this very moment: discomfort in one’s own skin. So much so, that she wanted to shed hers while I write this, in the hopes of finding the glue that holds it all together.

*image credit goes to thi.dee on Instagram. Thank you for permitting me to use them!

18 thoughts on “somewhere else (26.12.2018)

  1. beautiful. how many times have i wanted to crawl out of my own skin? and not even into anyone else’s in particular, at that–just to become someone else entirely. remarkably well-written as always, fiona xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautifully written. It can be so hard to feel comfortable in your own skin sometimes. But I just have to trust that I am the way I am for a reason and I’m uniquely me, there’s no one in the world who looks like me so I just have to rock it xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So true, Amelia! Embracing all aspects of yourself fully is a process that takes time. It’s a beautiful thing for each human to be unique, it’s another thing for us to accept that. Thank you and keep that awesome mindset of yours! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is a stunning piece of writing, honestly love your style so much. I can relate to this feeling a lot, thankfully not as frequently nowadays but I used to feel like this a lot. You’ve have expressed it so well xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Alys, that’s so kind of you to write! I feel like that for me personally, it has very strong links to my anxiety. Back when panic attacks were a daily occurrence, I used to struggle with this sensation/feeling quite a lot. But I don’t know, maybe that’s just me. Glad it’s not a regular occurrence in your life anymore. xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I come back to wordpress for the first time in 2 months, and I am so glad that this is the first thing I read. You express your thoughts so beautifully, and I can’t help but feel. I am going to be completely honest when I say that your words help clear my head in the strangest, most fascinating way. No matter what emotion you portray in the piece.

    I loved this, and thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. how many times ive wanted to crawl outta my own skin??? i cant even remember. its like living a totally different life at school and one at home. its such a relatable article….hope youre okay xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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