2017 is the year everything will change for me. I have been excited for high school to end for quite some time now, I’m ready to embark on future journeys, but still – a sense of dread is holding me back.
This post is inspired by a blog post by Joana, a young woman who owns one of my favourite blogs in the world: My Gigantic Thought Bubble. The post is titled “Late night questions: Everything’s going to change isn’t it?” and it resonated with me on a very personal level.
How am I feeling right now?
Honestly, it’s hard to put my feelings into words. I’m excited for sure, but there’s always a little anxiety attached to that. Mostly, I just feel anticipation. I think that describes my state at the moment pretty accurately.
I finished my last test before my big exams in May/June. And it was not until a few hours after that one final maths fest that it dawned on me: I am never going to have a test in high school again. EVER. That was the moment I grasped that it was all coming to an end. But that end is in no way a bad one.
Growing up, I always felt pressured by all of these expectations. Now that I’m older, the questions never tend to stop. How are you doing in school? Are you nervous about your exams coming up? What are you planning on doing after school? What kind of job would you like to land in the future? And for the longest time, I just didn’t know. The invisible time limit that I had didn’t make things easier. I just felt stuck in this world where everyone apparently had everything figuered out – everyone but me.
I always knew I didn’t fit into the traditional job titles like “lawyer” or “doctor”. From an early age on, I always knew that creating things was my passion. That’s about the only thing in my life that hasn’t changed and I’m really proud of that. I know that I will never be satisfied with a job I am not passionate about. My interest, curiosity and passion are what drive me to do better and succeed. But at the same time, I want something to challenge me, I want to gain experience not just in terms of a career, but also in life. Though I had a lot of uncertainty at the beginning, I am happy to write that I found a direction I would like to further explore. I feel like it fits my interests and what I picture myself doing later on.
But there is also this side of me that is anxious of what’s to come. I’ve been in this place in my life for so long that it is terrifying to step out of my comfort zone. I am afterall starting my adult life and with that comes responsibility. I am eager to be more independent but I don’t underestimate it; I know that it’s going to be a huge change in my life and I will have to adjust to it. Even though I am generally looking forward to it, I’m still holding on a little to tightly to what I’m used to because well, I don’t know anything else. 12 years of school mean that my daily life has been pretty mundane. The option of taking life into my own hands fully for the first time is a scary thought. What if I make a choice I regret?
Am I happy with what I have accomplished in my life so far? Yes. I think my teenage years were a period where I’ve really gotten to know myself. I have grown to be proud of the person I have become and I am lucky to have a wonderful family and group of friends who support me no matter what. My mum has gotten quite sentimental over the last month, I catch her staring at me quite a lot, almost like she’s afraid she’ll forget what I look like.
All of my friends are at the same stage in life, figuring out who they are and who they want to be and I feel so honored to be part of such a crucial time in their lives. Because despite of my worries I constantly can’t help myself but to think “This is it. This is where everything begins.” This is going to be a new chapter in my life.