Today’s post is inspired by a blog post on ‘It’s lullabelle’ I read this morning. There was one segment in particular that stood out to me in such a relatable fashion – the difficulties of trusting a new person in your life.
I have struggled with opening up to people for as long as I can remember. It doesn’t really come naturally to me. The only reason why I am able to share such a vast (sometimes even private) chunk of my life on here is because I don’t know you, the person who reads my everyday thoughts. Seeing the good in people (or humanity in general) has never been a strong suit of mine. I’d rather choose to be sceptical until proven otherwise. Ah yes, the pessimist in me speaks. Bukowski would be so proud. The problem with my preferred type of thinking is that it doesn’t make meeting new people an easy process. In fact, some of my closest friends got to know me a few months, even a year or two in.
I like to project that I am a very strong person, who can’t be brought down by anything. This act has become a place for me to hide in, to dodge painful experiences. It takes a lot to really get to me, so that “strong person persona” I have going on might be true to a certain extent. But sadly, my fear of getting hurt still manages to win my internal battle every time. Oftentimes I find myself in a situation where I am so terrified of my whole facade cracking that I don’t even try anymore, because what’s the point? Self-awareness is key to making changes but somehow I haven’t really grasped the reins of my control over this paralyzing fear of trust, intimacy and being rejected or hurt.
I tend to shut myself off from the world because it’s too hard for me to cope with all of my complicated feelings when I’m in it. That’s why I can seem distant, arrogant and self-centered at times, almost like I do not care for anyone. When it comes to guys, the small amount of trust that I had left flies out of the window. The prospect of romance in this day and age is petrifying to me. Unfortunately, my lack of sharing often sends mixed signals and some guys don’t want to put up with that, which I completely understand. Stop playing games! or What is it that you exactly want out of this? are phrases I definitely hear way too often. I do think that I and my many emotions can be a handful at times. I am however not going to apologise for being a complicated person.
I know that I have to keep trying to tackle this problem, as it affects nobody more than myself. I am thankful that my friends chose to stick around and accepted that I need time. Having people in your life whom you can tell anything without even thinking twice about it is one of the greatest gifts in life, one I truly treasure having.