This is a full-on rant. You have been warned. Here’s a little tune to keep you company while reading:
A few days ago I read a post on the blog dreamgaze about having kids and it really got me thinking. Cham’s post on dreamgaze brought up a lot of arguments on her side about why she’s not ready to have a child just yet. Why she may not even want one at all. The most compelling point to me is the fact that she’s scared of the world she would be bringing her child into.
Before I touch more on the subject, let me tell you a story…
I have a good friend who is the same age as me. We graduated high school together this June. A while before that she randomly asked me to meet someone – turns out it was her new boyfriend. Now I am an extremely open-minded person, I honestly am. But when your 18-year-old friend has a 30-year-old boyfriend you do start to wonder. It’s not that I don’t think they’re good together; it’s not my place to judge. What did strike me as alarming though was a conversation I had with her new man about the prospect of kids. From what I have gathered though getting to know him better is that he loves kids. His job even involves kids. And I imagine that nowadays 30 is a good age to start thinking about having some of your own. ‘I would like to have kids with her in the next five years.’ I remember sitting there utterly speechless. Does she know about this? Is she okay with this?, I kept thinking to myself. Their relationship has progressed extremely fast in the last few months – they are moving in together starting 2018 (but they basically already live together anyway) which is already a huge step for someone my age. But kids? I just had to ask her if she was really already planning that far ahead. So on one great night we spent drinking at a playground (seriously one of my fondest memories), my drunk self just blurted it out. And to my surprise, she actually confirmed that she was on board with her boyfriend’s five-year-plan.
Now all of this would be fine if I hadn’t witnessed her complete disgust with children in the past. She would roll her eyes whenever she saw a child. She would tell me that she never ever wanted to have kids. ‘Why would anybody want some? There’s already enough children in this world!, she would constantly say. It still strikes me as strange that she changed a part of her (world) view so drastically. A part of me can’t help but feel like he might be pressuring her, whether it is intentional or not. Or maybe love changed her – what the hell do I know about love, right?
I have never actually thought about birthing a child myself – it’s just not something I see myself doing in the next few years. Mind you, I am eighteen and am in no rush to be responsible for another life. People my age shouldn’t be even concerned about that stuff yet in my opinion. But here is one person in my environment who is actually mapping out her entire life plan regarding children. I always thought that a relationship with such a big age gap, especially when you’re young and trying to figure out who you are, could never work – mainly because well, you’re just in so different places with your lives. I mean clearly, he’s thinking about the future and marriage and kids in a very serious manner. And at 30, I Imagine I would be doing the same. But at 18?! I cannot relate. At all. Is it wrong of me to question her future plans? Should I talk to her about this? Do I even have the right to voice my concerns?
I would like to conclude this post by finally addressing the matter dreamgaze first brought up; if bringing a child into this world is even a good idea. It is true, society places an abnormal amount of pressure on children in this day and age. The Internet, technology, the rise of social media – all of this has effected and will affect the way kids grow up. It has influenced society in more ways than I can even count. We measure the quality of our lives or ourselves by constantly comparing with the picture perfect images people post of their perfect lives. The reality we see online is fake, heaping on more and more pressure. To be accepted as a normal piece of society, we have to fit the norms and patterns drilled into us form an early age. With everything happening in the world of politics, who know’s what the world will look like in five years time? Is this state of the world really a place we want our children to grow up in? Is it fair to them? No. They will be the ones forced to fix all of the mistakes being made right now. And I am so, so sorry for that. But as every historian will likely tell you – it will only get worse before it gets better. The question is how much worse this world can take.
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts on the issues brought up in this post. Don’t be shy, say hi in the comments!
Sticky Situation 
This is such an interesting post and topic. I think being her friend it’s okay for you to voice your concerns to her because it comes out of love and not judgment. At 18 I just dont think its possible to have your life planned out and even the most organized and planful person just can’t do that. They say your twenties is a period in time where you start to figure out who you are and you learn to become a lot more independant. Raising a child/ bringing new life in the world is not an easy task especially if you want to raise a child in a good environment. I just think you’ve got to figure out who you are before you make that decision to have kid. I’m in my twenties and I’m still learning to be confident, how to deal with life and raise myself.
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Exactly, thank you for sharing!
A child is a huge responsibility. Like, MASSIVE. Having a child is life-changing. I hardly think that she is financially secure enough to raise a child – even though her boyfriend might be. Even still, I think it’s important that she herself lives a little before making such a big decision. There are other ways to show a partner you are committed to the relationship. I’m just scared she doesn’t know the scale of what she’s getting herself into.
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I totally agree with what you’re saying. When people fall in love they often get caught up in the relationship forgetting about other realities and important facts that need to be considered when making life changing decisions.
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I’ll definitely consider talking to her about this. Like you said, I just generally worry for her, it’s not like I want to hurt her feelings. However, I think that discussing this with her will upset her. I am scared of the outcome. As a couple with such a huge age gap, they already face criticism from all sides. The last thing I want is for her to feel like I’m not supportive or happy for her.
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Thank you for reading my blog post about having kids! Anyway, this topic of yours is really serious. It must be hard for you to comprehend your friend’s decision because you knew all along how she doesn’t like to be with kids. As much as I don’t want to be the judging kind, I think she’s pressured by her boyfriend. Maybe her boyfriend wants to have kids because he’s not getting any younger. I hope it didn’t happen that way though. I hope it’s their mutual decision and as her friend, don’t give up on trying to give her reality checks because she needs it. You guys are too young, there’s so much life ahead of you! 🙂
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Thanks for your advice! It’s just hard for me to relate to her sudden choice, when she’s always wanted the opposite. I hope so too. The last thing I would want for her is a relationship based on pressure. If this is what they truly BOTH want then I’ll be supportive. I’ll be supportive either way, but right now it just doesn’t really make sense to me.
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That is true. The true test of a relationship is when you both respect each others’ view and not forcing anyone to agree with your decisions. You’re a good friend though. 🙂 I can tell that you are really concerned about her.
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I really relate to your story – I had a senior in school who made similar choices about wanting to be in a relationship with a much older man. Unfortunately for her things didn’t end so well. Thank you also for addressing the ethical dilemma of bringing a child into this world, but from a teenager’s point of view. Sometimes it’s just nice to feel like there are other people my age out there thinking of similar things and in similar ways about life and about the future.
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Thanks for sharing! I feel the same – the fact that I can connect with other people from all over the world who think alike is still mind-boggling to me. That’s what I love so much about blogging.
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This is a very interesting post for me to read. I honestly could not date anyone that much younger than me! But they say boys mature much slower than girls, and I don’t date *anyone* younger than me. But I don’t mind dating older, so maybe that’s the same for your friend.
As a 30-year-old myself, I kind of feel its late in the game to start thinking about kids. Again, maybe it’s because I’m a woman, but ever since I was about 22/23 people have constantly been asking “when are you getting married? Why don’t you have kids yet?!” and the utter shock on their faces when I would say that I didn’t want kids was amazing. For *years* I was adamant about not having kids. But then I started dating someone and I instantly thought “I would really want to raise a family with him”. My view changed faster than I could realise, literally over the course of a phone conversation.
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This is such an interesting perspective, thanks for commenting. I never really had a huge issue eith their age gap per say because I really don’t think it’s my place to judge. But the having kids part was just a complete shock to me, especially knowing her utter repulsion with children before. She was proud of not wanting any. That’s why I’m a little unsettled by this sudden decision. But now that you’ve shared your story I feel a little better knowing that it might actually be HER choice too, not only his. As a friend I only want the best for her.
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Yeah I was the exact same way. When people would ask me if I had any I would scoff and go “oh god no!!” Sometimes all it takes is the right person to switch things like that. But I agree sometimes the change can be jarring. It shows how close you are to pick up on the change 🙂
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An interesting, thought provoking post! I’m in my late child-bearing years, but have known for sure since age 10 or 11 that I do not want children. I was an early bloomer and a serious, depressive, and philosophically inclined pre-teen, and was repulsed by the prospect of propagating my genes and bringing new life into this crazy world. I do not dislike children; on the contrary, I find most of them quite cute. (Admittedly, I do get bored when I spend more than a couple of hours with them at a time.) My maternal instinct comes out only when I’m around small animals. 😊 I love being an aunt; I get ‘small doses’ of being around kids, and that suits me perfectly. Fortunately, I’ve found someone who also has no desire to have kids.
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Thank you! Kids are not for everyone and that’s perfectly okay. I think that society is still trying to push the image of the mother on women. Like we HAVE to have children or else something must be wrong with us. I understand your feelings on kids. Right now, I get so drained after being around them for hours but I am open to having children in the future. I’m happy that you’ve found someone who shares your wishes. And I adore animals too! My cat is like my baby. (no shame 🐱)
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Yes, even in this day and age, ‘real’ women are expected to become mothers. You have a good head on your shoulders. 😊
We have two cats … they’re our babies. 😻😻
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