“Alone. Alone at last. Something I crave so deeply within, yet haven’t experienced for months. Never have I experienced a time in my life where I haven’t had even a spare beat in my time for myself. That is, until summer 19 started and I was thrust into a world in which time seemed to constantly be fleeting.”– an exerpt from my journal
There is something to be said about transitioning from the luxurious life of being a student into the “adult” I-work-40-hours-a-week lifestyle. The first month mostly passed in a blur, now only a faint memory in the back of my mind. The days of the week blended into one, my routine seemingly the same: get up, go to work, go home, have dinner, go to bed, repeat. At the end of month two, the whole ordeal started to take its toll on me. What had been pure excitement, eagerness and stored energy was starting to wear off. Instead I came home to utter exhaustion and woke up to pounding headaches.
The things that used to bring me therapeutic comfort I now avoided. I was too tired to write about my feelings, let alone talk about them. Especially as I (at that point) wasn’t even sure of what they exactly were. It was like trying to lick my own elbow. An excruciating process of trying to reach something that you know is impossible.
Free time was scarce. The time I used to spend on my own creative projects was now spent on anything but myself. Being around people could be nice at times, especially with the ones I was close to. Yet sometimes I felt as though I should be pouring all of my free time into my relationships. Sometimes I felt guilty for wanting a break.
When change happens, it can often subconsciously feel like someone takes the puzzle you have been working on and destroys all of the hard work you put into it. Pieces scattered everywhere, leaving you to start – once again – with a single piece. As much as this has happened in the past, it never gets easier to pick up the pieces and start over. Change has never come easily to me and I always need a while to adjust to it – to make it a part of my “new normal”.
In the last two months of my internship I started to feel more grounded and in-sync with myself again. It was like time was still ticking, but in a speed I could keep up with. Tick, tick, tick like a metronome. That sound always calmed me when I played the piano.
What I have come to appreciate over these past six months is the value of a stable routine in your life. Simple things like taking some time in the morning to have a nice (stress-free) breakfast and check in with yourself can make such a difference in your day. When I have an established routine, one I can look forward to, I tend to feel more creative, productive, in control of my choices and overall just…happier.
My temporary lack of routine led to me putting all of my creative projects on hold – including this very one. But not anymore: I am officially pressing the play button of this blog again.
To all of you who are still on the same frequency as when I temporarily pushed pause on this blog: hello! How are you? What has been going on in your life lately? What are your plans for Christmas / New Year’s?
I have missed you dearly. There is so much I want to catch up with you on, so much I want to share with you. Where to even begin….