a past undone

you sometimes tell me about him

late night talks about stories, memories,

sharing the horrors you’re trying to move on from

and I keep looking at

you

trying to find him –

the person you keep referring to –

within you

but he’s not there

I don’t know him,

I only know of him.

I look you in the eyes when you talk about him

and I see the pain you carry

with you

see the hardness in your eyes

as if to shield you from feeling what you felt then

feel the loneliness this must cause

feel the ache of a past

and the wounds it left behind.

I look you in the eyes when you talk about him

and all I want to do is cry

cry for you

for him

for everything may seem so far away

but I see how close it really is

how it haunts you to this day

it makes me shiver just to think

about it.

I look you in the eyes when you talk about him

and I feel glad –

glad you trust enough to share hard truths

never spoken aloud before

glad to have met this version of you

and not him

but in a way, glad he once existed

as I partly attribute your present soul to him.

you sometimes tell me about him

and it makes me love you even more

than I ever thought possible

it makes me want to be your home

a blanket to snuggle up into

when the whistling winds of a past undone

coldly come out to greet you.