In this day and age, a separate category in dating has lifted itself up from the masses: the hookup culture. And it should be no surprise to hear that it comes hand in hand with fuckboys.
The hookup culture
In these times I cannot help but wonder: is the online hookup culture slowly eradicating relationships?
Relationships are becoming rarer and rarer. More often than not I will find myself in a situation where I am in this weird inbetween with a guy. Nothing is official, you haven’t talked about being exclusive, you’re just “talking”. He tells you that he doesn’t know what he wants at the moment. The problem is that this relationship “grey zone” creates the illusion of having the benefit that nobody will get hurt – and nobody will get hurt, at least not on the surface.
Dating apps give us the impression that there are thousands, if not millions of viable candidates out there for us – this is why short-term dating has become so prevalent in today’s society. Women become options instead of priorities. The same thing applies to men. The lack of emotional intimacy itself doesn’t affect physical intimacy anymore. Or maybe it never has?
A guide to fuckboys
A fuckboy is like a very good salesman: rather than convincing you to buy things your account balance will make you regret later on, you end up buying his charm and flirtations and are tricked into thinking that they are genuine, even though you probably know in the back of your mind that at the end of the day, all he wants out of you is to get laid.
So why is it that we fall into this trap over and over again?
While discussing this with a friend she made a hilarious comparison: “Moldy nuts still look good on the outside. At the beginning you just fail to realise how hollow they are.”
It’s like our brains are wired to find something of more value when we are in danger of losing it. A fuckboy offers us exactly that – he gives you just enough to hope but always keeps an emotional distance. They have something alluring and exciting about them; they always keep you guessing.
If a guy drives you home after a hookup, it’s a big deal even though it shouldn’t be. And wow, look at that, he actually kissed you goodbye and thanked you for a great time! Even if this behavior is the least you should expect, we live in a society where this has become special and incredibly rare. “He must really like you!”, I can almost hear my friends exclaim with excitement. And so the guessing game is born.
There is human decency and then there are just some men who are total assholes. The truth is that more and more men refrain from decent behavior out of fear of giving us the wrong idea. The delusional-beyond-help among us will read this and think “how nice of him. He is actually taking my feelings into consideration.”
Someone has to say it: Dear fuckboys, keeping someone at an emotional distance is okay! Seeing somebody in a casual manor is just as acceptable. It really is. Just be honest about it upfront. Be honest about what you want and keep that transparency going throughout the time you spend together. Make it clear from the beginning and most of us will not be crazy nutters who will trap you and force you to marry us. Some of us actually want the same thing as you do. Yes, I see this comes as a surprise. Yes, women have purely physical needs too. Oh, you didn’t know? Explains a lot.
Is it our hope that keeps us in the spot they need us?
Nobody likes to be manipulated. But the concept behind manipulation is that you don’t know it’s happening. Fuckboys all follow the same pattern: all of their sweet-talk will butter you up and leave you wanting more. They make you feel special and valued. This has the direct effect of you looking the other way when they bring up something inappropriate.
Despite all of this though, there is this tiny sliver of hope that all of us have engraved in our minds: “Maybe, just maybe, he will change. Maybe it will be different this time”. I have come to realise that this hope is in no way a bad thing. You can’t blame yourself for wanting more or for still believing that there might actually be some good people left on planet earth.
If you’re still not sure what a fuckboy exactly entails, let me list some key identifiers that I have accumulated over the years:
- From the start of your acquaintance he will tell you that he’s done with all the “relationship bullshit” OR that he is “unsure” of what he wants.
- He’s super into texting you and just when you think things are going well, he ignores the shit out of you.
- All he ever wants to do is “chill” or “hang out ;)”
- These are his go-to emojis: 👉🏼👌🏼😈🍌🍆💦😉😏😛😜
- He constantly wants you to send him “photos 😜”
- He will always redirect the conversation topic back to sex
- FOOTBALLERS. Need I say more?
- You know he is an asshole, but then he shows you a glimpse of his “soft side” by complementing you
- He will “like” ten girls at the same time
- He will always come crawling back because he “missed you” and his ex was “crazy”
And if you’re still unsure, let Samantha make it crystal clear:
Could it be that we are addicted to pain?
Every time a fuckboy ignores you, it stings. But it is that pain that makes it an ever bigger deal when he hits you up days later. Telling your friends “Omg he texted me!”. It becomes a surprise. It doesn’t matter if it was a drunk text in the middle of the night or a blunt “sup?” text – no matter how meaningless, what matters is that he texted you. It is the hurt that ultimately manipulates us.
The double standard
The double standard applied to women is most definitely real when it comes to sex. If a guy goes out and hooks up with a few women, all they get are high-fives. It is more of a competition sport in a man’s world. If a women does the same, she is slammed with judgement.
I have had friends complain to me that the man is always the one who ultimately defines the relationship before it even begins. We have all probably experienced an instance where that one guy who just won’t leave you alone. If we tell them we’re not interested, those type of guys just won’t accept it, demanding to know why or resorting to insults like there must be something wrong with US if we don’t find them desirable. Why is it that us women have to justify everything we do all of the time while men’s decisions are just blindly accepted?
Sex has become easy
Having grown up in a world where social media is an essential people rely on in the dating world, I don’t really know anything different. What I have come to realise is that sex is something that is highly accessible to anyone, anywhere, anytime. Social media makes it all so much easier. Additional to following table etiquette we follow one designed specifically for social media: Don’t double-text him, don’t like too many of his photos on Instagram, don’t text back immediately or else he will think you are desperate. The rapid increase in casual relationships does cause me to worry; Is romance too much to ask for these days? Is it truly dead? Only time will tell.
Girls can be fuckboys too
I would like to end this post by disclosing that women can be assholes too. This post is based on my own personal experiences. That being said, I know of a lot of girls who treat guys badly or lead them on. The content of this in no way applies to only men.
What about you? What is your perspective on out hookup culture? What are some of your experiences with fuckboys? How do you identify them? I would love to read your side of the story!