In this day and age, a separate category in dating has lifted itself up from the masses: the hookup culture. And it should be no surprise to hear that it comes hand in hand with fuckboys.
The hookup culture
In these times I cannot help but wonder: is the online hookup culture slowly eradicating relationships?
Relationships are becoming rarer and rarer. More often than not I will find myself in a situation where I am in this weird inbetween with a guy. Nothing is official, you haven’t talked about being exclusive, you’re just “talking”. He tells you that he doesn’t know what he wants at the moment. The problem is that this relationship “grey zone” creates the illusion of having the benefit that nobody will get hurt – and nobody will get hurt, at least not on the surface.
Dating apps give us the impression that there are thousands, if not millions of viable candidates out there for us – this is why short-term dating has become so prevalent in today’s society. Women become options instead of priorities. The same thing applies to men. The lack of emotional intimacy itself doesn’t affect physical intimacy anymore. Or maybe it never has?
A guide to fuckboys
A fuckboy is like a very good salesman: rather than convincing you to buy things your account balance will make you regret later on, you end up buying his charm and flirtations and are tricked into thinking that they are genuine, even though you probably know in the back of your mind that at the end of the day, all he wants out of you is to get laid.
So why is it that we fall into this trap over and over again?
While discussing this with a friend she made a hilarious comparison: “Moldy nuts still look good on the outside. At the beginning you just fail to realise how hollow they are.”
It’s like our brains are wired to find something of more value when we are in danger of losing it. A fuckboy offers us exactly that – he gives you just enough to hope but always keeps an emotional distance. They have something alluring and exciting about them; they always keep you guessing.
If a guy drives you home after a hookup, it’s a big deal even though it shouldn’t be. And wow, look at that, he actually kissed you goodbye and thanked you for a great time! Even if this behavior is the least you should expect, we live in a society where this has become special and incredibly rare. “He must really like you!”, I can almost hear my friends exclaim with excitement. And so the guessing game is born.
There is human decency and then there are just some men who are total assholes. The truth is that more and more men refrain from decent behavior out of fear of giving us the wrong idea. The delusional-beyond-help among us will read this and think “how nice of him. He is actually taking my feelings into consideration.”
Someone has to say it: Dear fuckboys, keeping someone at an emotional distance is okay! Seeing somebody in a casual manor is just as acceptable. It really is. Just be honest about it upfront. Be honest about what you want and keep that transparency going throughout the time you spend together. Make it clear from the beginning and most of us will not be crazy nutters who will trap you and force you to marry us. Some of us actually want the same thing as you do. Yes, I see this comes as a surprise. Yes, women have purely physical needs too. Oh, you didn’t know? Explains a lot.
Is it our hope that keeps us in the spot they need us?
Nobody likes to be manipulated. But the concept behind manipulation is that you don’t know it’s happening. Fuckboys all follow the same pattern: all of their sweet-talk will butter you up and leave you wanting more. They make you feel special and valued. This has the direct effect of you looking the other way when they bring up something inappropriate.
Despite all of this though, there is this tiny sliver of hope that all of us have engraved in our minds: “Maybe, just maybe, he will change. Maybe it will be different this time”. I have come to realise that this hope is in no way a bad thing. You can’t blame yourself for wanting more or for still believing that there might actually be some good people left on planet earth.
If you’re still not sure what a fuckboy exactly entails, let me list some key identifiers that I have accumulated over the years:
- From the start of your acquaintance he will tell you that he’s done with all the “relationship bullshit” OR that he is “unsure” of what he wants.
- He’s super into texting you and just when you think things are going well, he ignores the shit out of you.
- All he ever wants to do is “chill” or “hang out ;)”
- These are his go-to emojis: 👉🏼👌🏼😈🍌🍆💦😉😏😛😜
- He constantly wants you to send him “photos 😜”
- He will always redirect the conversation topic back to sex
- FOOTBALLERS. Need I say more?
- You know he is an asshole, but then he shows you a glimpse of his “soft side” by complementing you
- He will “like” ten girls at the same time
- He will always come crawling back because he “missed you” and his ex was “crazy”
And if you’re still unsure, let Samantha make it crystal clear:
Could it be that we are addicted to pain?
Every time a fuckboy ignores you, it stings. But it is that pain that makes it an ever bigger deal when he hits you up days later. Telling your friends “Omg he texted me!”. It becomes a surprise. It doesn’t matter if it was a drunk text in the middle of the night or a blunt “sup?” text – no matter how meaningless, what matters is that he texted you. It is the hurt that ultimately manipulates us.
The double standard
The double standard applied to women is most definitely real when it comes to sex. If a guy goes out and hooks up with a few women, all they get are high-fives. It is more of a competition sport in a man’s world. If a women does the same, she is slammed with judgement.
I have had friends complain to me that the man is always the one who ultimately defines the relationship before it even begins. We have all probably experienced an instance where that one guy who just won’t leave you alone. If we tell them we’re not interested, those type of guys just won’t accept it, demanding to know why or resorting to insults like there must be something wrong with US if we don’t find them desirable. Why is it that us women have to justify everything we do all of the time while men’s decisions are just blindly accepted?
Sex has become easy
Having grown up in a world where social media is an essential people rely on in the dating world, I don’t really know anything different. What I have come to realise is that sex is something that is highly accessible to anyone, anywhere, anytime. Social media makes it all so much easier. Additional to following table etiquette we follow one designed specifically for social media: Don’t double-text him, don’t like too many of his photos on Instagram, don’t text back immediately or else he will think you are desperate. The rapid increase in casual relationships does cause me to worry; Is romance too much to ask for these days? Is it truly dead? Only time will tell.
Girls can be fuckboys too
I would like to end this post by disclosing that women can be assholes too. This post is based on my own personal experiences. That being said, I know of a lot of girls who treat guys badly or lead them on. The content of this in no way applies to only men.
What about you? What is your perspective on out hookup culture? What are some of your experiences with fuckboys? How do you identify them? I would love to read your side of the story!
Sticky Situation 
Wow this is so powerful, i’m at a loss for words. xx
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Aw that’s so sweet of you to write! Thank you Kathryn xx
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I literally read this twice because it’s so true. Gosh, I love your work—as always 💖🙏🏻
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AAW STOP. This means a lot, so thank you lovely! x ❤
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This, is so true, and I just read the title and went like “Yes, let’s get down to business, Imma get the popcorn”.
I absolutely hate these double standards, and when I discuss them with my friends, all of us become fusions of depressed, and highly aggressive people.
And the things you mentioned about social media, and lack of proper relationships are the exact reasons why I wish I was from a time when things like flowers, being gentlemanly, and getting to know each other really mattered. Unfortunate that our lives are not like sweet, old musicals. (I don’t think I belong to this century, sometimes.)
Wow, this comment is long. I’m so sorry, but everything you post switches me into ‘discussion mode’.
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I feel like I live in the wrong century too sometimes! I love social media and the Internet in general, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like especially socially we are taking a step back. So I totally get what you mean, I also long for gentlemen who hold the door for you and give you flowers. A girl can dream…
But anyway, this post was a full on rant on my part and I bitch about this with my friends all the time so as one can gather I am glad to discuss things like this, especially with one of my favourite fellow bloggers 😉 Thank you for reading!
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I have (mostly) been quite fortunate in avoiding ‘fuckboy’ experiences, but as someone who is on the lookout for a genuine, long-term relationship, it makes me sad that men go to such great lengths to give the wrong impression. I guess we just have to hope that ultimately the right person will come along :’) Also, the thing about the ‘go-to-‘ emojis made me laugh because it couldn’t be more accurate!
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Lucky you! I’m at this point in my life where I am like “are there even any decent men out there anymore?”
And well, at least I’ve learnt something from all of these shitty experiences (how to identify a fuckboy by emojis yet somehow still being fooled lol) Thanks for reading 🙂
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OMG I love this post and while I was reading it a certain person came into my mind lol and I keep doing a facepalm because from the start I know that he was a f-boy but I still liked him, the part of where they always want to “chill” is soooo true hahaha. There are so many guys like that nowadays and the worst part is that sometimes they’re lowkey 😅
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Thank you, I am happy you enjoyed it! There was one person in particular that started me on this whole rant, so I get what you mean. And yes, sometimes it’s SOOOOO hard to tell, especially in the beginning! But there are always signs that show themselves sooner or later. The low-key ones are the worst though because they are the ones that fool you the most and but at your heartstrings (ouch)
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Loooove this, honestly I’ve been caught up with a lot of fuckboys over the past few years and something I’d probably add here is that…they’re the best actors I’ve ever seen. They start off completely nice (hence why I got involved with them) and it was only a few months in that they’d begin to show the fuckboy traits and I’d be like, well shit. I’ve been fooled again. Know what I mean?! Honestly, they’re the best liars you’ll ever meet in my opinion .xx
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YES!! I like to call them sneaky fuckboys. In the end I always feel as though I have wasted so much of my time on them, sometimes even MONTHS. And I never see it coming, NEVER. I even met a guy’s parents and most of his family after months of dating and then he was like “oh, I thought we were just casual you know, nothing serious.” It’s so frustrating tbh.
Glad you could relate to this little rant of mine, thanks for reading! xx
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OH HONEY SING IT FROM THE FUCKING ROOFTOPS! Personally, I can’t stand fuckboys so I don’t date much. And the footballer thing? SO DAMN TRUE. I dated a footballer for just over a year and while he was lovely – Nigerian boys tend to have a lot of respect for women – and treated me like a Princess I still wasn’t all in because his boys were N A S T Y and that’s a red flag. Plus I maintain the only reason he was so interested and so nice is because I wasn’t. Your boy can act one way with you, but it’s all talk – see how he is around his dudes.
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OMG YES. How he is with his friends says a lot, and I mean A LOT about him. Footballers tend to be hot *drool* but they are definitely the biggest fuckboys in the universe (in my experience).
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I think I’ll bite and toss in some ideas here. First off, thanks for a really interesting window into your world, your generation, your milieu, etc. I’m 64 & don’t deal with these sorts of questions anymore. But since I’ve never really followed the usual script in my life, I now have a 5-year old boy, from Africa, who is the sweetest thing I know and want to get super-informed about what youth culture is like nowadays, so as to be useful to him.
One thing I notice about online life in general and social media is how fragmented it is, preferring brevity. I find brief remarks almost insulting for their lack of content, lack of thought (usually), and lack of commitment. So right off the bat I am oppositional concerning this. I almost died laughing while reading through your commenters when I cam across someone worrying their reply to you was too long — and it was barely two paragraphs.
The most romantic things I ever experienced in life (talking younger years here) was to receive and also to create long intimate personal letters, complete with pointless drawings. Form young women I was interested in. They loved it and I loved it. So first point is: resist the cultural tendency to rush and multitask and scatter attention. That is an enormous hidden quality of what the web has and is continuing to foist upon us. Do not follow the path of least resistance. Get SLOW. It creates and permits depth. And we want depth of feeling, not quantity. In fact, this is one of the main gifts women can give to men, even teenagers amongst themselves. An authentic person can permit and even give depth.
The other main thing is determining whether a possible fuckboy is interested in you. By you I mean your thoughts, your non-physical interior. (Which you should be interested in as well, of course.) This is a really easy way to discern what’ up with a guy. They cannot fake it. The reason they cannot fake it is because they have to spend time to explore their interests in you, and discover you qualities. Your web history does not reveal — that is all superficial. The fuckboy mentality you described is all about minimizing time expenditure and maximizing new experiences, new people, new fuckgirls. So this test cannot really be faked. You are in a lucky position because you write reasonably long blog posts. So make any potential suitors discuss some of them with you. Then you will quickly see how real their interest in you is.
I know, you don’t want to lose street cred and social rep by turning down too many opportunities, especially if football dudes make your loins sizzle. But trust an experienced one — cultivating your own uniqueness pays off big down the road. Social media life tends towards the opposite — it homogenizes people, tends to make them all similar.
What do really sensitive, perceptive, creative, interesting, non-manipulative, authentic people, say men, want in a potential mate? Uniqueness, a woman who is her own unpredicatble self, who has taken the time to develop many rich qualities, who will be a wonderful companion.
That’s the boring truth & good luck.
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I absolutely loved reading this. I went back and forth with a guy who continually told me how much he loved me, he remembered all these things about me and when I was with him – perfect. But afterwards, it was like I was worth nothing. And I kept running back consecutively, constantly making excuses and believing that he would somehow just wake up and change.
The worst part is that you start blaming yourself. Asking what did you do wrong and how you can you change. I love that you used the Sex and the City images. The one with Carrie is so true. It’s like I’m the one that goes out and inflicts pain onto me.
You’re an amazing blogger and wonderful post. xx
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That must have been really hard on you. I experienced something similar too last year and it was so hard on me emotionally. The part about making excuses is SO true. I started putting him on a pedestal, which only made it worse. So I really feel for you, I don’t wish that kind of experience on anyone.
Sex And The City is probably one of the most accurate series when it comes to dating (and life in general). And thank you, I am glad you enjoyed reading! xx
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PREACH GIRL
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CAN I GET A WITNESS HERE?😱
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YES GIRL
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