I am stuck; stuck in my past, stuck in my feelings, stuck in my life. Paralysed by uncertainty. For once I shut a door, it will forever be closed. And that fear of making the wrong decision has started to rule my life.
I’ve been in this very contemplative mood lately where I think about my life and the people in it so far. Naturally my mind also recalls some of my past relationships – now I am not a person who tends to give up on people to quickly once I have come to care about them. Affection usually doesn’t just simply evaporate into thin air once the relationship is over. I like to keep things very friendly and talk to once good friends or past loves every once in a while just to catch up. I used to pride myself on my (mostly) civil and what I deemed as very mature relationships even after a breakup or growing apart. It is only now that I start to wonder what impact that might have on my life and on my very self under the surface.
The reason I have begun to feel conflicted about this is a rather cliché story about my rather complicated history with men. The phenomenon about to be described can only be properly imagined as a relapse of some sort after a breakup, a desperate attempt to cling to the reality in which the particular person played a role. I am not proud to admit this but like any person sometimes filled to the brim with self-doubt I have “salvaged” a relationship only to see it fall entirely apart again more than once in my lifetime, even though I was well aware of the fact that nothing would probably change. Problems and conflicts usually follow a very clear pattern, one that I have chosen to ignore on numerous occasions.
This is the part where things get messy you see, because I remain friends or on good terms with nearly all of my exes, even after an innocent relapse (or in some cases more). But this regular checking in with each other has started to make moving on a near impossible task for me because it is a constant reminder of their existence and feelings once shared. It is like they all of my exes are the ghosts from my past relationships haunting me whenever I meet someone new. As long as they are a present factor in my life, they will always remain a potential option – the safe option. Especially after a breakup I tend to put my ex on a pedestal – completely disregarding the many factors that led to the breakup in the first place. It’s like I cloud my own memories, the fog misting over my eyes and my better judgement.
I have been going down this road that evidentially leads to nowhere for a long time now and still I continue to put myself in these situations regardless of what it does to me. I am now at a point in my life where I feel like I am spinning around in a circle, doing the same back and forth over and over again. And to be honest, it is taking its toll on me. I feel myself pulling away from new potential partners and going back to the familiar. During the last two months of 2017 I decided to try a detox – no more men, just me. As one can probably gather, that plan flew as quickly out of the window as my attempts to start studying two weeks before exams (lol). From the moment where I started this “cleanse” they just kept texting me!
I talked to a very good friend of mine about this and she said that I stress myself out about all of this too much. And she’s probably right, maybe I am obsessing a little. But something about the whole topic keeps nagging at me. The more I think about it the less sure I am – have I become such a creature of comfort that I stick to the old in fear of the new? Am I missing out because of it? Is this healthy behavior? Only time will tell. All I know now is that I can’t go on living like this forever. I need to make some changes. The question is where to start. Because right now I feel so, so lost.